Since I am actively looking for a husband I have encountered several interesting brothers. Some have been very brazen while others are more on the shy side. One thing in particular has shocked me. I didn’t know that this was so rampant among many Muslim men, and no people it’s not polygamy (before you get all excited…)
To my disappointment I have encountered several Muslim brothers who have children out of wedlock, mind you I am not talking about those who convert to Islam. I am speaking of brothers who state they are Muslim but are ‘caught up’, as some would like to put it. Some just have one while others have multiple children with different women. I just don’t understand the rationale a Muslim man has in order to initiate a relationship with a non-Muslim woman and then bring children into the picture. The confusion and deterioration of the family structure should be enough to hinder a man.
Saying all this brings me to a follow up thought. The number of Muslim women getting pregnant out of wedlock is pretty high as well (no sense in pretending like it doesn’t happen). Men are given the excuse that they got “caught up in the dunya (world)” and can easily blend back into life as a practicing Muslim. Many go onto marry other practicing Muslim women who are fully accepting of their situation. Everyone deserves a second chance so I think that’s great.
Now on the other hand Muslim women don’t have it so easy. Most women who have children out of wedlock are shunned from the community or succumb to secret abortions due to cultural/societal pressures. Now I am not suggesting that we allow this type of behavior to continue and accept all with open arms. I am merely suggesting that we have available resources to people who fall into these situations. A woman should never feel that abortion is her only option. Then, I ask well if these women did keep the babies how many brothers would marry them? As women, I feel like we are more accepting of brothers who fall of the deen but brothers don’t seem that forgiving. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute that to.
I feel like Muslims initiate impermissible relationships for several reasons. The main reason is prolonging marriage. Waiting and procrastinating when it comes to marriage has many ill effects and one of those includes fornication (keep it real, keep it real…) Along with that there is a lack of patience when it comes to finding a suitable spouse. Finding a mate doesn’t happen overnight (well for some of us it does) but most will inform us that they went through a couple bad apples to get to the relationship they are at today. Patience is the key and you taste the sweetness of success in the end. Lastly, many Muslims have just given up on marriage. This is somewhat related to the patience part I was speaking of earlier. All this talk “There are no good brothas out here” or “I have too much baggage for a sister” are constant rationales Muslims use that prevent them from meeting suitable mates. If you don’t have a good attitude about marriage how can you possibly expect others too? I know it sounds cliché but searching for a spouse is honestly what you make of it.
Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn
How much of the problem is that when people get married they feel forced to meet certain expectations? There is such a strict view of what it means to be "religious" that people who are happy and practising are forced to project an entirely false image. Or even worse, they're forced to devalue their own image as they are and attempt become something else.
ReplyDeleteAlso, do you think that if there was less of (an entirely unreasonable) taboo over mixed-faith marriages there would be fewer brothers/sisters with children outside of marriage?