Arranged Marriages, Polygamy, and chocolate cake

Black Muslim Womyn sounds kinda intimidating, doesn't it? Being Black ain't easy, being a woman certainly isn't, and most would agree that in this day and age being a Muslim is not a piece of cake! I'm just being real as far as who I am and hope that people will be able to value my frankness.

I am going to be taking many different approaches to this blog. The main intent is to bring up socially conscious issues dealing with women on a spiritual and holistic level. By profession I am a nurse and work in an acute health care setting in a major hospital on the South side of Chicago. At first I had the intention of creating a blog solely with the purpose of being a platform to discuss health care concerns. My interest is Community Health with an emphasis on Women's' health, but I thought that perhaps I would attract more readers if I discussed other issues besides Women's' Health. Now on to the first post (non health related!)

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If you asked the average Joe or Jane there are are two words that are synonymous to marriage in Islam: Arranged and Polygamy. The notion that young Muslim girls are coerced into marriage and submissive to a man twice their age is largely accepted by most people. The mere idea that someone would even voluntarily consider a polygamous relationship is totally out of the question. Let's just let it all out. Harems, honor killings for girls who refuse potential partners, and the legitimization of beating 'misbehaved' wives, I think you know where I am going with this. Sadly, we haven't given ourselves a fair chance either, because some Muslims do practice these things.

If you go back about 60 years, heck I could even say 40 years many non-Muslims, the average Jane and Joe were partaking in what today is considered an 'arranged marriage'. People didn't just shack up and have kids or use elective abortions as a form of birth control. Many people waited. Waited for the right guy or gal to come along and when they did it wasn't a race to the bedroom. Rather families were involved and counseled the young couple about their plans and the sanctity of marriage was respected. Getting family involved is not considered arranged. This new 'date don't wait' deal is why teenage pregnancy is on the rise, STD's are spreading like wild fire, and why people are generally unhappy with their relationships and sex lives. Let's look at it like this. Let's say we have a most crumbly chocolate cake. You love this cake so much and this is the only cake you will eat. Every restaurant you go to you'll ask for this chocolate cake and you refuse to substitute it with anything else. One day you think 'Hey why not try the lemon tart or the very vanilla.' So you try it and you love it too, life has suddenly become so confusing and now the chocolate ain't so good no more. Now you want a taste of every cake that's out there! You used to be very satisfied with the chocolate, but now it just isn't 'enough'. This same analogy applies to relationships. There is a sweetness of waiting for that special person. Trying all there is to try will only leave you confused and bitter. Why do you think people always reminisce about their 'first time'. Moral of the story, stick with the chocolate.

On a more serious note, even though the average Muslim woman is not forced into a marriage there are some cultural constraints to marrying a person your parents pick out. This is why Islam is the way it is. In Islam for a marriage to be accepted a woman has to verbally vocalize her acceptance of the man. She is asked, not by her parents, but by the person officiating the marriage. In the West, women are more independent and opinionated as compared to our sisters in other countries. I have friends who bring their husbands to be to meet their parents. Understanding the importance of parental approval and maintaining your independence might be a fine line for some to walk. If its done successfully it can result in a beautiful thang. Parents happy and most of all YOUR own happiness.

On another note there are some women who decide to enter a polygamous relationship. From what I have observed these women fall into three categories. Those who think that being a co-wife will make them more pious, those who think they have no other option (ex. divorcees, converts with kids) and lastly those that don't want to be bothered with a man 24/7 (yep, you read that right).

Personally, I would NEVER be in a polygamous relationship. There are those who can do it and there are those who can't, which is why, THANK YOU ALLAH, it's optional. I feel like those brothers (and some sisters) who put sisters down who choose not to practice polygamy are absolutely in the wrong. How many of us have heard a man say 'Well the Prophet (peace be upon him) practiced it and don't you want to be like him and his blessed wives...' Now, tell me how do you get out of that one? You can't. Its like being backed into a corner. I've heard the other infamous line 'Well, how many men out there cheat on their women. Polygamy helps Muslim men with that.' I've also heard it helps to keep your pants on... First off, its important to remember that polygamy was not implemented for men to have a legitimate excuse to sleep with more than one women. More importantly, polygamy was helpful during times of war when women were left widowed and needed support, both financially and emotionally.

Lastly, don't be fooled and think that only men take advantage of polygamy. Many Muslim women do as well. Think about it you have a man paying your bills and you only gotta see him three times a week! SCORE! Part-time husband. You can still have your needs met and not have to deal with his stanky behind all the time. Sounds bad, but many women do it.

With shows like SisterWives I suppose polygamy might be more accepted in mainstream culture. I guess it only becomes cool when white folks do it. :/



Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn