In love with love

I think there is a serious epidemic going around. I have deeply thought about why relationships are failing and the high rates of divorces. I think people are in love with love and not in love with the person. In some relationships there are three elements involved. Her. Him. Love. It has been proven that when a person first falls in love that a lot of physiological changes occur. Your body releases more endorphins (these are the feel good/relaxation hormone that you feel after an orgasm or after high doses of adrenalin are released). You’re literally on a super high. Now after this period ends, which I think is usually six months to a year for most you are ‘normal’ again. I guess once something becomes routine it becomes normal. For most people I suppose it isn’t exciting anymore and as a result they have fallen out of love with love itself, because they were never in love with the person to begin with. I call these people ‘love junkies’.

Of course the beginning phases of a relationship are wonderful and exciting. You’re exploring one another and learning the inner and outer workings of each other. I think there is also a beauty in regards to fully knowing the person as well. You know those couples who have been married for 20+ years and they can finish each others sentences. She’s knows exactly how he likes his coffee. He knows what to do to make her happy when she’s upset. These are the relationship veterans. They stuck it out and fell in love the proper way, with the person that is, not with a fantasy.

After my divorce I had a lady tell me that I was so lucky to start from the beginning again. She told me that the beginnings of relationships are the best and after that you know what to expect. She told me ‘It’s boring’ and ‘They always treat you right when you first meet’. To an extent some of that probably holds truth. The idea of starting over again is actually not that exciting to me. Of course it must be done because I want to be married one day, God willing. But there is nothing fun about having to filter through men to find a husband.

I find it very interesting how the human being adapts to change. I know many Muslims don’t believe in evolution, I am a skeptic myself, but we must acknowledge the fact that Darwin emphasized the fact of human adaptation. Adaptation comes in many forms be that physical or emotional.

When I first got married I adapted to the role of ‘wife’ very quickly. I knew what was expected and what I had to do in order to fulfill my role. After about six months of being married I couldn’t remember my life before being married. Its strange how that happens, right? I just settled into being married so swiftly. Anyways, this brings me to another point. Now that I have been single for over a year, after being married for three, I am really settling into my role as a single young woman. Doing my own thing when I please. I clean when I feel like it and I don’t when I am feeling lazy. It’s nice not having to answer to anyone, BUT I can see how this gets old real fast. I mean REAL FAST.

Even though change is inevitable at times, I am not a big fan of it. I like consistency. Knowing what you’re gonna get. I'm not a love junkie at all. I adapt when I need to but its not something I enjoy. Is it really something anyone enjoys though? I guess not…


Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn

Change is a comin'

I've been meaning to update this blog. Lots of changes have been going on. I've moved into my own place, yes I'm Ms. Independent (in my Ne-yo voice). I'm still in Chicago, just farther up north near the lake. I've changed jobs, now I am in ER/Trauma nursing. Lots of drug overdoses and heart attacks. Sounds exciting, right? I'm learning a whole lot and really enjoying it, thank Allah. At my previous job I was working with all Black nurses. We had a sprinkle of Hispanic and White nurses. When I say that I mean I could count them on one hand. At my new job all the nurses are white. I am the only Black nurse in ER. The work culture is totally and drastically different. It made me realize that most of the medical world is either White or Asian. I will admit that at first I was slightly intimidated. Most folks think that nursing is nursing all the way around. There are many specialties and ER is new to me. It's a totally different process down there. Our job is to pretty much to ship the patients off, whether that be upstairs to a bed or out the door with a prescription in hand. So yes, I was intimidated because most of the nurses in ER have been there for 20+ years. I quickly overcame that because I know that I am a damn good nurse and I have the experience of working in underprivileged parts of the city. Places that half these nurses wouldn't even drive through. It has made me a hell of a good nurse.

The experience of living alone is an interesting one. I am enjoying the independence. Being able to cook in my OWN kitchen and have my OWN bathroom is great! I actually got a TV (for the first time). I'm not a TV person at all but I realized that the apartment was too quiet and I needed something. I found a TV at a yard sale for 5 bucks! Thanks to my mom I am a big bargain shopper. I found most of my stuff on craigslist. Nice stuff that is. I think my next post is going to be how to shop on craigslist, because its a strategy especially when you're buying furniture. Until next time!



Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn

Too Black and Fat

I think about the matrimonial ads I used to read in Islamic Horizons as a child. A lot of people know exactly what I am talking about. The ads at the end of the magazine with the tacky roses...yea those... Now its funny and we crack jokes about them, but it's really upsetting when you read what qualities people are looking for in a spouse. Ok, its nice that you are fair, tall, an MD but what kind of person are you? I mean, for real? Yea, I am sure you are rolling in dough but how will you treat your wife? What type of values and morals do you uphold? No one wants to know about all this superficial crap that amounts to nothing in the end, well perhaps some people do... I was actually thinking of putting an ad in Islamic Horizons just to see if I would get responses. The ads are just horrendous. I know many good people who are actually intimidated to put ads in that magazine. If I were to put in an ad it would go as followed:

'Young Muslimah invites correspondence for herself. Well endowed, 5'7, chocolate sister seeks practicing Muslim man. Will wash your socks and dirty underwear (without complaining) and willing to take care of you, free of charge, when sick and snotty. In return Muslim man must be sensitive and gentle to Muslim woman and take care of her to the best of his abilities.'

That sounds like a pretty decent ad, don't you think? :P

This whole concept of brotherhood and sisterhood is talked about ALL THE TIME! It's preached in our sermons were reminded of it when we go to the mosque, etc... It's incredibly hypocritical because I'll act like you're my brother to your face, but when it comes to marrying my daughter there is no way unless hell freezes over. It's like, but wait aren't I your brother? Yea, you are until it comes to marrying my kid then all my defenses are up. H.Y.P.O.C.R.I.T.I.C.A.L.



Thinking about this actually makes me think of another related point. I think Black women are viewed as being at the bottom of the totem pole, in regards to attractiveness and beauty. You think about the image of beauty that's being portrayed, we totally don't fit the criteria at all! We're too dark, our hips are too wide and our hair is nappy. Just keepin' it real. Of course those perceptions exist in the Muslim community as well, as evident by these matrimonial ads. I think about myself as a teenager growing in a predominately Arab community. My features and qualities were not what other Arabs considered attractive. As a teenager, your self image is influenced by people around you. That's just the way it is. I knew I would never get married in that community. It was just too much cultural crap, which is why I don't necessarily affiliate myself with that community any longer. I'm more comfortable being in a multicultural setting and around those who have an appreciation for diversity.

So I guess my mom is right...

You know how your parents tell you things and then follow it up with 'You'll understand it better when you get older...' Oh my Allah, did that get on my last nerve! I think its a natural response not to understand exactly what your parents mean and think you already understand whatever there is to be understood. My grandmother used to say 'A hard head makes for a soft behind.' My gosh was she right! Most of us are so headstrong when we're young and to top it off highly naive. We think we know everything and fall into mistakes that could have been easily avoided if we just listened to our elders. Thankfully, I never made any huge mistakes because I am a self-proclaimed scaredy cat and extremely cautious. I always think to myself that some mistakes are easy to recover from, but others can impact the rest of your life. I don't consider babies to be mistakes, but I can't help but think about this when I see pregnant teenagers in the hospital. Granted it's not right to assume that everyone has parents who can guide them, but for those of us that do its important to listen. What really gets me about teenage pregnancy in particular is that its a cycle. A majority of girls who have babies have mothers who were teenagers when they had them. I just don't get it.

Back to the topic! I've always had a pretty close relationship with my mom and stepdad. I was closer to my mother just for the simple reason that she's another woman. My stepdad is a great man, I hope Allah continues to bless him for taking care of me. Ameen. When you're young I think its normal to put your parents on a pedestal and think that they are perfect and know everything there is to know about life. This is before you hit your mid teens, mind you! Once you get older you realize your parents are just people. People, just like you, who are trying to navigate the complicated road of life.

I'll be turning 25 soon inshAllah and I am slowly reaching the point where I can better understand what my mom was talking about when I was younger. Personally, I feel like my early 20's was a state of self exploration. You are in the state of trying to find yourself and determine where you fit in. I have been told by several people that once you get closer to your 30's you are pretty set and that is the way I am starting to feel. I still have 5 years to go inshAllah! :-) I am more accepting of my individuality and feel more comfortable expressing it. Thank you Allah.


Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn

Love (not diamonds) is forever

Recently, my mom told me a story. She is an OB/GYN nurse and helps deliver babies. There was a lady who was having a very difficult labor and eventually ended up dying of DIC (disseminated intravascular coagulation), sometimes the stress of pregnancy causes your body to do wacky things. During delivery some women will lose the ability to clot. Literally, you will bleed through every orifice in your body. Your eyes, nose, ears, EVERYWHERE! Your blood pressure decreases something awful and you lose consciousness and eventually die. It's an awful sight. May Allah protect us all. Anyways the baby did survive, thank God. After the incident there were several reports of the lady wandering the room where she gave birth. People said she was looking for her baby. Only Allah knows. One of the other nurses even had a conversation with her and told her that the baby was ok and with his father and that it was time for her to leave. I am not a mother yet, but I understand that the relationship between a mother and her child is so strong and deep even before birth, so I can only imagine how much stronger it becomes after seeing and holding the baby.

No one can deny that love is a very complex and complicated thing. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is a different story. HA! :P I often wonder about the relationship that humans have with one another. Parents and children, couples who have been married for years, new lovers, and those who carry around their love without confessing it. It's so deep, so mysterious, and is one of the few things that lasts forever, it even surpasses death. I know for some it might be slightly far fetched but I think people, as well as animals, can die of a broken heart.



All this talk about 'I'm doin' me' or 'I don't need no man to make me happy' I don't care who says it because its all smack. Girlfriend, you need to stop it and just admit the truth! We were made to be in pairs not alone. Being single is nice in the sense that you have more independence, but over time people yearn to be with another person. Why do you think we have cat ladies? Or people who dress up their dogs and buy them gourmet meals? They are lonely and since they lack a strong human connection, they've resorted to the next best thing which are animals. I understand this even more now that I am single. There is no greater blessing than finding someone who will love you through thick and thin. Someone who will accept you for your flaws and listen to your silly stories when everyone else could care less. I love to hear stories of couples who have been together for 20+ years and know each other inside and out. I can only imagine and fantasize at this point but I'm sure its a beautiful thing.


Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn

Death Desensitization

As you can imagine being in a hospital you are around death ALL the TIME! People die, people are born and some of us are just caught in the mix somewhere between. As of now, none of my patients have died on me, but I have seen some of the other patients on the floor die. Recently, I had an experience that struck a cord with me. It made me very upset.

All of our patients are hooked up to tele monitors (heart monitors that track how fast/slow their hearts are beating and determines whether or not its in a normal rhythm). We have a technician and his job it to look at a computer screen and evaluate heart rhythms. Anyways, I was sitting with him looking to see how my patients were tracing and I noticed that one of the patients was starting to decline. A normal heart rate is between 60-100 beats per minute. This guy had gone down to 42 and the technician asked me to go find his nurse and to inform her what was going on. I eventually found her, gave her the 411 and she rushed into the room to look at the screen. By this time his heart rate had hit the low 30's. Come to find out he had a DNR order (do not resuscitate) and you'll find this with a lot of patients who are chronically ill or who are far too sick and understand the importance of quality over quantity when it comes to your life. Regardless, she's sitting in the room with us and his heart rate is going down by the minute and I am waiting to see if she'll go in the room with him. I'm itching in my shoes because I am a firm believer that no one should die alone! We don't come into this world alone and we shouldn't leave alone either. I was about to leave and head to his room, but being a new nurse I felt as though I would be stepping on her toes (which I regret now). Even if its a simple touch of the hand or caressing ones forehead, be there with the person. Eventually, he got down to zero and was pronounced dead and she looked at us and made the comment 'How cool, I've never seen someone bottom out that fast!' and this comment was followed up with a smile and a small chuckle.

I've had people tell me that I need to toughen up or grow extra skin, but I choose to think differently. I know you can't lose it every single time a patient dies, but viewing it as a joke or even 'cool' is absolutely beyond me. If it was your mother or father it wouldn't be so 'cool', so why does this scenario make it any different? When someone on our floor dies it makes me reflect on my own life and that my time is eventually coming. My hope is that I never reach the point where I become desensitized like many other nurses and doctors I've seen.


Peace, Love and ever-lasting happiness to all!
BMWomyn